Malaysian Orgasms not very Boleh

It’s worrying for our nation, that when a highly important issue of grave national interest is confronting us, our politicians have been wasting time howling themselves hoarse over mundane issues like party hoppers and dog-(or bitch)-in-the-manger conduct of politico-spouse-social funds.

The Star Online has just published a frightening article about Malaysians not getting off enough. It's about a sex survey’s finding of our low-grade lackadaisical lust-lacking orgasmic achievements.

Jeez man, to me if this finding is not of life-and-death threatening national importance I don't know what is. Thus I have been dismayed by our politicians' low-grade lackadaisical lust-lacking priorities.

But I do wonder why journalist Royce Cheah had to include the word ‘off’ as in the article's headline ‘... not getting off enough’, unless by 'off' he means ... er ... never mind.

Perhaps he was implying that with such a pathetic state of attainment, the King or ... more likely ... the Queen would have said “Off with his head” - and please don’t ask me to elaborate any further, as there may be children around.

To put it bluntly, the Durex Sexual Wellbeing Global Survey said that Malaysians do not have enough orgasms. NOOO!

It seems that only less than half of those who … er … 'exercised' did manage to achieve nirvana, hallelujah or yahoo - sob ... only a sad … sob … 44% of us, and that's the average for both genders.

However, we are ahead of kiasu-nation whose high browed 4-eyed citizens registered only a comparative 36% in the field of ... 'getting off’.

Then, getting into more details (but not the type you might have wish to know), 62% Malaysian men reached the heights of Qomolangma while by contrast, the poor dears get what Royce Cheah described as ‘a raw deal’ (don't read too much into this term) - where only 25% of sweeties could scale the lofty altitude of Sagarmatha. That explains the average of 44%.

Now, Italians, Spaniards, Mexicans and South Africans are either the Rothmans Pall Mall type (full satisfaction with each ... er ... puff) or the world’s greatest liars when it comes to sex surveys, because 66% of them claimed to have, in Royce’s words, ‘hit the sweet spot’ each time. And we are talking again about the average for both genders - a wow or bullsh*t stats!

The survey said that at the other end of the scale are mainland Chinese and people from Hong Kong (both 24%), followed closely by the Japanese (27%). Either they were too shy to ‘expose’ their private experiences or they were waiting for orders from Beijing and Tokyo respectively on what answers they should provide.

Strangely, Koreans were not mentioned. I am sure if North Koreans were polled, by fiat of their glorious Chairman Kim, they would declare 100% satisfaction, a la Nescafe, down to the last drop.

Our local reproductive and sexual health expert, Dr Mohd Ismail Mohd Tambi, was reported by the Star to have said that "while orgasms are not the be all and end all of sex ……" –yeah, bet he was thinking of blogging … ;-)

Continuing his words: "… regularly achieving orgasms improves emotional and overall well-being."

On those wise words, I recommend henceforth that all political candidates must submit to the EC during nomination days, in addition to all the bullshit regarding stamped certification, an additional (stamped?) certificate declaring they have achieved orgasm in at least 75% of their ... er ... 'engagements'. Then, we’ll have less feral and unscrupulous political candidates.

Dr Mohd Ismail said that prior to commencing the 'engagements' ;-) please leave work worries outside the bedroom, and ensure you have protected and uninterrupted time. In other words, do switch off your blackberries and no laptop on top of your laps ;-)

But it looks like we aren’t … er … Towering Malaysians after all

Now, a word from the survey's sponsor ...

Now, did you get Durex brilliant message from this ad?

No? Never mind, see the following then ...